The Struggle

Okay guys…if you’ve been reading this for any length of time (or even if you simply scan our titles), you are aware that we are two crossfit athletes scaling our way through crossfit and have been doing so for close to three years.

For me, here is a recap of all the moves I don’t currently have in my crossfit arsenal: double unders (these were close before my calf injury), toes-to-bar, pull-ups, chest to bar, muscle-ups, rope climbs, box jumps (I HAD these until the box tried to eat me), hand stand pushups, handstand walk, pistols, PROPER GHD situps. Here is a list of moves that I still struggle with and really need to work on mobility/cardio: Olympic lifts, burpees, the blasted Assault bike, running, over head squats, v-ups, wall-climbs. Here is a list of moves that I either really like, or feel at least proficient in doing: dead lift, bench press, back and front squats, push press, strict press, Ski-erg, wall ball and thrusters.

I’m sure there are others that we do semi-regularly that could go on these various lists. The point of this isn’t to highlight all the things I can’t do, but to move into how I end up feeling when the WODs include several moves that I really struggle with.

This week, we had a WOD that was 40 Toes-to Bar, 10 wall climbs, 20 T2B, 8 wall climbs, 10 T2B and 6 wall climbs. This was followed by accessory work (single arm bench press, banded triceps pull downs and flutter kicks). I KNEW going into this workout that it would be rough. I don’t have T2B and wall climbs rank up there as one of my least favorite movements. I feel as if I get far more exhausted than I should get doing them, and my inability to breathe doing them only makes that worse, I’m sure.  But when I saw the workout, I thought to myself, “Well, I will really try and hopefully come close to getting ONE, just ONE.”

Three tries in, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. My hands (even chalked and wrapped) were slipping off the bar, I stopped trusting myself to even hold myself up there. I tried knees to elbow. Nope. So knee raises it was. I tried doing several in a row and lacked the ability to even control my legs and ended up basically feeling as if I was just swinging my legs wildly, slipping off the bar. The sets of 20 and 10 were worse because I was fatigued. But I was SO FRUSTRATED with my inability even to control knee raises! This frustration grew worse and worse and worse. So much so that 10 minutes in, I was ready to walk out of the gym. This feeling of wanting to quit hadn’t happened in nearly 2 years and was contributing even more to my frustrations. I didn’t walk out. I finished (badly) the workout, slower than everyone else, but I finished.

This frustration led me to questioning the accessory work. I KNOW the bench press is a strength of mine, but I lowered the weights anyhow. I didn’t push myself. That only added to what I was feeling; crossfit is supposed to be about pushing yourself. I mean, I understand that some days you just aren’t on point and other days you are on fire. This isn’t what I’m talking about. I’m taking about the conscious decision to not do a harder weight, not because of injury, not because of working on form (I did that today with the snatches so I could concentrate on trying to keep good form and my breathing), but because I was angry, frustrated with myself and riding the mental struggle bus.

Later, I posted that I really wanted to walk out of the gym on Facebook. Another member posted that I worked through it and folks look up to me as an athlete. What I WANTED to say was “you all should look up to someone who can actually DO crossfit”. I didn’t because the coaches would see and I would get burpess for having a negative attitude. But it was very hard to me to see why someone, anyone, would look up to me, especially at that very moment in time.

I’ve spoken about this to one of the coaches. Apparently I embody the spirit of crossfit: keeping coming back, going in even if I know the WOD will stuck, going in even if I know I can’t do the moves, if I have to scale everything. Going in even with injuries, cheering, encouraging and  embracing the community that has developed in the gym. I know we are supposed to be practicing having more positive attitude (PMA), but I simply cannot be all PMA 24-7. I know that little things will get in the way; they always have; this is just me. I bet all of us get frustrated at things from time to time. It’s part of being human. For me, it’s definitely part of the struggle of lack of confidence.

I might have upset a coach or two for thinking of walking out. I might have upset an athlete or two for it as well. I probably upset a few for voicing the thoughts. But here’s the thing about me, you can knock me down; I can knock myself down, but I showed up the next day and actually felt good about the workout (even with injury modifications). So I might have WANTED to quit, but I didn’t. I overcame the mental issues.

Conclusion? Push through. Show up the next day and the next. Do what you can do, when you can do it. One bad workout can’t define you.

Non-Scale Victories

nonscale victories

This was posted to my box’s Boot Camp page on Facebook and it got me thinking, which has me writing!

I’m the first to admit, I will probably not be in any “before/after” transformation pictures since basically I am the same weight as the day I stepped into the box (my pants are 2 sizes smaller) and I don’t really think I look different in pictures I see. Don’t get me wrong, people have noticed that I look different and carry myself differently, so I know changes are happening, but when I see pictures of myself, I still see a fat, old lady, one who perhaps has no business being in a gym at all, much less a crossfit box.

{Now coaches, before you go and give me a billion burpees for sounding negative, please keep reading!!}

Are there moves I still don’t have down? Yep. There is a reason this blog is called Scaled to Perfection. My crossfit partner in crime and perpetual “in my head” sista (I swear we are one brain, separated by 20 years), have struggled with so many things for the years we have been doing crossfit. If you’ve been following this blog for any length of time, you know what they are, but if you are new, let me inform you of all the things I (well..perhaps we) still need to achieve, much less master: double unders, pull-ups, rope climbs, chest-to-bar, toes-to-bar, hand stand push ups, most things with the GHD, and box jumps (I had them, then the box tried to kill me so my brain refuses to let me do them again). My clean and jerk form, while improved, is a work in progress and  the snatch? Ugh… Ugly is a good word. Burpees about kill me and anything cardio is a long trip on the struggle bus.

This makes it sound like I can’t do anything at all, which isn’t true. The powerlifting moves are ones I love. I don’t mind thrusters, wall balls, the ski-erg, rowing, and kettlebells. I love all the accessory work we do! And I’m fairly certain that not one of the coaches would say that I give up, no matter how much I’m struggling, no matter how dead last I am and I will often go ahead an finish a workout, even if we’ve been time-capped, because…well…I’m not a quitter. That part has changed in me; I used to stop at the time cap, but I prefer to finish (if I won’t be in the way of the next class, or my taking a few more minutes means I won’t be late to work). I’m a firm believer in the crossfit attitude of cheering for everyone and that the last person to finish is just as, if not more, important than the first person. I LOVE to cheer on my fellow athletes when I get the chance. This is one of the things I love best about The Open. Except for your own heat, you get to watch and cheer everyone else, keeping them motivated if needed. I never thought that was a real thing, until it was happening to me and people really believed it.

Do you see a trend here? I do. If it has to do with brute strength, I’m all over that. If it requires grace and/or coordination, I struggle. I’m slowly getting better at all of these things and I have no shame in continuing to work on them, even as frustrating as it can be at times. I think back to high school and college sports and the positions I played: keeper in soccer, bench warmer in basketball, catcher in softball and shot-put in track. Those positions don’t really require coordination. You can just fling your body around without fear and that often gets the job done. The gymnastics move require something I’ve never really had the opportunity to train for, work on or even think about in my daily life. My parents didn’t send me to ballet or gymnastics (I would have told them no anyhow), so I never worked on those things and now I’m finding that I really need those things and old brains are apparently slower to learn than younger brains!

Back to non-scale victories! I’m a LOT stronger. I don’t give up easily (which can also have its downsides – hello calf muscle; I’m looking at you). My shirts are smaller; my pants are smaller. I can do the things the coach’s ask of me, especially scaled. I have enough confidence in my abilities that showing some of the newer athletes a move or two doesn’t worry me.

I’ve met so many wonderful people, many of whom have become dear friends. I participate in our #socialcommittee events as often as possible and have done some things that I never thought I would do, such as not 1, but 2 5k runs.

I’m fascinated by the programming and would love to know more about the inner workings of our head programmer’s mind when he puts the workouts together. And as I’ve been told to stay off this dang calf, all my workouts lately have been very modified and that has also been incredible to watch. It only increases my resolve to eventually save enough for my CF1, not because I want to change my life and start coaching, but because I want to know ALL THE THINGS, and the more data, knowledge, and information I have, the happier my brain is.

So as you progress through your journey, remember that there are many victories you will encounter along the way. Some will be more weight on the bar. Some may be getting a move that you didn’t have previously. Some may be taking time off your 500m row. Some may be as ‘simple’ as showing up every day, drinking the amount of water you know you need. You could drop clothing sizes; participate in a competition, partner with someone stronger/faster than you to push yourself; partner with someone slower/less strong than you to help them along. Relish all the little things because often the ‘I can’t’ permeates the day. Believe me, I know this from a LOT of personal experience over the years; I’m a pessimist at heart. But here and there, now and then, a glimmer of positivity shows up. And THAT is a non-scale victory I can get behind.

The Feelz…

Last week we had a 40 min EMOM. Min 1 was 1-length bear crawl. Min 2 was 20 pushups; min 3 was a shuttle run, min 4 was 30s of ME toes to bar and min 5 was 15 box jumps to a 20″ box.

Looking at this WOD on Wodify, I knew it was going to be a tough one. I’m still nursing a calf injury and toes to bar is more like me flailing my legs wildly getting them nowhere near to touching the bar all the while making my hands very sore. Box jumps are no better when the calf muscles are not happy, and running…well…it’s one of my least favorite things to do and injuries are simply not helping there, but I showed up and thought that I would at least do what I could. I do like bear crawl, so at least 8 of the rounds would be okay!

Before we started, our coach said that anyone who had toes to bar had to work on stringing them together, try not to do one and drop etc. Those that didn’t, really had to try to get those knees to their chest and those that were close should work toward their first one. This left a LOT of us spending 8 rounds really trying to get one, practicing our swinging and really working on getting our legs up as far as we could. Hey, I can do that! I can swing my legs around in a vain attempt to touch the bar. (Now…I firmly believe that my not-inconsiderable jelly rolls are not really helping this particular move).

I believe we were in our 5th round and one of the other coaches was prepping things for the Boot Camp class and happened to be watching. After trying really hard and not getting anywhere near the bar, she came up to me and said, “Oh you are so close!” This woman doesn’t have an insincere bone in her body and it would never occur to her to say something that wasn’t true. However, I can visually see how far my feet are from the bar and to my mind there is approximately a one foot distance between my toes and the bar, and that is probably being generous. So I shook my head and replied, “I’m really not all that close”, and moved on to the next movement (box jumps – of which I was getting 10 of the 15). I do my jumps and here comes the coach for our class. She stops me and says, “You are allowed to give yourself credit for what you CAN do”. I must have looked very downtrodden at this (or some other emotion that I cannot begin to process), because she put her hand on my shoulder and said, “Seriously. It’s okay.”  I nearly burst into tears, but contained myself and moved on to my bear crawl and completed the workout to the best of my ability.

So this was last Thursday and I’ve been basically incapable of processing this 3 second transaction all weekend. All these people talk about Crossfit giving one confidence and I feel the opposite. It has shown me all the things that I cannot do. I’m not graceful, coordinated, fast, or agile. (I am strong as hell; if there are things I CAN do, it involves power). So it’s really tough for me to feel confident in anything because I’m regularly last in the class, scale a good portion of moves all the time, rarely Rx anything, and struggle with so many things. So how am I supposed to celebrate the things I can do when I cannot do so many things? How do I give myself credit for how far I’ve come, when it feels as if I’m STILL barely out of the starting gate?

To top this off, I spent this past Saturday at a local competition watching and taking pictures of a lot of our members competing, many of whom were competing for the first time. They were so nervous and I spend the day yelling, encouraging, telling them to get out of their heads and reminding them that although we all spend a good portion of our time hanging out with crossfitters, most of the world thinks we are nuts and they were there, putting themselves out there and pushing hard when most people were not doing that. At one point, one of the ladies was getting very frustrated with her movements and turned to her teammate and said, “I will try this” (referring to the weight on the bar for a squat snatch). I yelled to her a Yoda quote, “Do, or do not. There is no try.” And one of the coaches, who was also there as support starting poking me. I turned and she said, “When will you listen to your own advice? You are the most negative, positive person around.”

Needless to say, all of this has me very reflective and I’m still not 100% sure how to process all these things.

I will end by reminding myself that this is MY journey and at least I was able to back squat 260 pounds 3 times today, so there is that!

2017 Goalz – Laura’s Edition

So here we are at the precipice of 2017. I’m so ready to say goodbye to 2016 because what I THOUGHT was going to be a great year, full of PMA, gains, goals and greatness, basically fell apart and I was left with depression, anxiety, bills and a marriage that very nearly disintegrated.

Throughout the year, the one constant was CrossFit. Not that I felt that I was getting anywhere with it, but I kept going. It was the one place where I knew things weren’t going to change. I would show up, I would either walk out feeling like crap at my performance, or feeling on top of the world at my performance. There was nothing in the middle and I was perfectly okay with this. In fact, I needed this consistency in my otherwise chaotic life. (Don’t get me wrong, the things that happened were total #firstworldproblems and I am well aware so many others have it worse).

My Partner in Crime, my CrossFit Sista, my dear friend challenged me with setting some goalz (I think the z is more positive, right?!), and after a year of simply getting by, she’s right. I need goalz, or I will spend another year of few gains. And I don’t want gains; I want GAINZ!!

CrossFit goalz (there are so many, but I’m going to put just 4 into the world)…

  •      300 pound back squat
  •      Sub 2-min 500m row
  •      Rope climb
  •      Pull-ups

Eating/Nutrition goalz

  •      No more Diet Coke (ooooo…this one will hurt)
  •      No more alcohol (this was also the one constant this past year…this will also hurt)
  •      Hit my macros consistently (Sunday will be my biggest challenge)
  •      Cheat meals are occasional again

Personal/work goalz

  •      I’m on sabbatical this semester, so setting AND KEEPING a regular schedule
  •      Save enough for CrossFit Level 1 Certification (I don’t want to coach, I just need to know all the things…)
  •      Pay down the seemingly insurmountable debt that accrued from this past year
  •      Simplify my life, declutter, destress, live more purposefully
  •      Read more, Facebook less (yes, I know I said only four, but it’s my post and thus my rules)

And since Keri did one, I will too:

BIG, BOLD BODACIOUS GOAL – Find a way to reconnect with my family, my hubby in particular.

 

 

2017 Goalz – Keri’s Edition

So, 2017 is just around the corner…is it technically 4 days or 5 at this point?  Anyway, I was inspired by the Girls Gone WOD Podcast and thought we should send our 2017 goalz out into the world and then do some periodic checking-in to see how we’re doing.  I did want to cover several spheres of life and not have these be just CrossFit-centric goalz.  So, here we go:

CrossFit Goalz:

  1. Clean & Jerk 100# +
  2. Double Freaking Unders (string at least 10 together)
  3. Box Jumps
  4. Go Rowling

Nutrition/Health Goalz:

  1. Eat or drink at least one locally sourced item per day.
  2. Give up Starbucks.
  3. Get my steps in every day!

Personal/Work Goalz

  1. Log into Facebook once daily and then logout and don’t check it anymore.
  2. Volunteer once a month.
  3. Host a Chopped party or chili (paleo?) cook-off.
  4. Get my CCRC certification.

and finally, the BIG HAIRY AUDACIOUS GOAL (BHAG)

  1. Finish de-wallpapering my house (ugh)

Alright Laura, let’s see what you’ve got…..