18.2 … or how crossfit humbled me yet again

Just last week I was discussing how good I felt about two different workouts. I was riding a crossfit high that doesn’t happen very often, except perhaps on back squat day. I even was proud of something with burpees!

And … then 18.2 was announced. Twelve minutes. Burpees, dumbbell squats and cleans. Dumbbell squats? Oh cool! Burpees? Yuck, but doable. Cleans? An opportunity to work on my form, right? So go me, something I can Rx! Assuming I can get through the burpees that is. I knew going in there was no point to scaling because it wasn’t going to be the dumbbell that was the issue.

Burpees are my nemesis (I have many crossfit nemeses, but burpees make the top of the list every time). I’m not fast, jumping over the bar will slow me down even more. I’m always worried I will trip over the bar, or hit my head on it, or my calf will hurt… or or or …

I did the workout Friday in class and managed 101 total reps. Nine shy of even getting to the cleans. I watched all these ladies in the box get through and get several cleans in. So what is wrong with me?

Pondered all weekend whether or not to go again. I’ve never repeated an Open workout because, let’s face it, I’m not and never will be a Games athlete so what does it matter? It mattered because I didn’t even finish the first workout, much less get to the second part.

Driving out of town gave me hours to think. And I basically decided I was going to do it again Monday (unless back squats were on the menu). I mentally prepped for, if not moving factor, then at least not stopping. I somehow needed to find two minutes. One would work, two would be better.

3-2-1 Go. I felt I was moving pretty well. My tests were a lot shorter, I was more efficient at getting the dumbbells to my shoulders and they were closer so I was wasting less time with them.

I’m not great at burpees, but I tried to keep moving, even though by round 7 I wanted to throw up. I also knew there was no way I was finishing at that point. I wasn’t moving fast enough. I picked up the squats, but couldn’t find the speed in the burpees.

I DID get 4 more burpees, so I did do better. But once again, I’m left feeling like a failure for not finishing, while all around me people are getting PR’s.

So I’m walking out beating myself up for not being faster, for not being stronger, for doing crossfit for 3 and a half years and still can’t do: toes to bar, pull-ups, box jumps, double unders, rope climbs, and the Olympic lifts. I know deep down I’m not a failure and I will get over this, but it’s frustrating.

My coaches are all about PMA. I get that attitude can make a difference, but I’m a realist, I know my limitations in terms of workout engine. I can be all “I can do a muscle up” all day long and it’s not going to happen as I don’t have the strength nor the coordination. Does that mean I cannot work on those things? No. But simply believing isn’t going to make that a reality.

So I will mentally beat myself up today. And tomorrow I will show up, and do my best at the workout the coaches have in mind for us, like I always do.


So much to talk about

So a very rare thing happened TWICE in the last week. I was actually proud of something I did in the box.

First, 18.1. My initial feelings and thoughts were anger at yet another move that I cannot do, relegating me to the scaled arena once again. Don’t get me wrong, I sincerely don’t believe there is anything wrong with scaling a workout where appropriate. But the reality is, I’m starting to think there is something wrong with me that after 3+ years, I cannot do one of the most basic of gymnastic moves, toes to bar. So it being the very first move of The Open, really upset me. Dumbbell clean and jerk? Ok. Fine. Rowing? Yuck, but fine. Twenty minute grinder? Again, yuck, but fine. It was obvious from the very beginning that the obvious strategy is find a pace that you can keep and just keep moving.

So get over yourself. You are doing scaled, end of story. Buck up and set a goal for yourself, and do that quickly. So I pondered my engine. I watched the “big wigs” perform and get into their 13th round and pondered my engine some more. My engine is more akin to a cheetah than an African wild dog. Meaning I can go fast, but not long. I am hella strong (particularly for my “advanced” age), but I don’t have distance. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not down on myself as my cardio is well above where it used to be, but it’s certainly not my strong suit.

So my initial goal was five rounds. 150 total reps. Many of my friends were thinking more like 8 rounds, which I felt was very much out of reach because of the rowing. I wasn’t worried about the dumbbell at all. I was concerned the rowing would tax my engine to the point I wouldn’t be able to keep going. I asked my friend to use what I call his “Sargent” voice to yell at me so I would keep going.

In the end, despite all my fears, I got 8 reps into round 10. 278 total reps, darn close to TWICE what I initially thought and even past what others predicted for me! I was so proud of myself. THAT is the feeling that I’m not used to. Something I did, me. Old, still overweight, with a engine that doesn’t run long distances, with the coordination of a drunken, one-legged penguin trying to fly through maple syrup. And yet here I was , proud of 278 scaled reps. I’m not used to this feeling at all. I’m used to saying something sarcastic to cover up my feelings of inadequacy. And yet there I was, lying on the floor, incapable of breathing, of moving, smiling. Happy.

Incident 2 happened today. Today was a 21 min EMOM. Min 1 was 8-10 DB cleans, min 2 was 8-10 burpees over the DB and min 3 was 12-16 box jumps. Okay, so I don’t have box jumps in my brain anymore after falling over them one too many times. I’m okay with scaling to step-ups. I elected to use the 30 pound dumbbell over the prescribed 35 pounds mostly because (or so I told myself) that I wanted to leave those for the people who could Rx the workout. Looking back, I should have used the 35 pound weights, but that is a story for another day. Burpees. Oh goody. I HATE burpees. HATE HATE HATE them. They demoralize me, tax my small engine and in general make me hate everything about me and crossfit.

One day, one of the coaches said she could tell a change in attitude between movements from deadlifts to burbees. She could read it on my face. Yep. That would be my hatred toward burpees.

Today, on round one, I slogged through them with my usual attitude. Step back, flop on the ground, drag myself up, step up, turn to face the DB, barely hop over, heavy sigh, repeat. I got 6 in a minute doing this. Could I move any slower? Seriously…it was the proof I needed that I wasn’t a worthy crossfit athlete. And my coach’s voice popped into my head about changing my attitude toward burpees, something about working on my opportunities. My inner voice started cussing up, down, left, right and center. And then I made a conscious decision to change my mind.

I made the conscious decision to continue to do “only” 6 burpees (not the prescribed 8), but I would do them as fast as I could, every round. Guess what happened? I did 6 in less than 30 seconds each of the last rounds. By the end of the workout, I recognized that I could have done the 8 within the time! In addition, I was actually HAPPY about how I did. Was it as the coach wrote? No. Was it scaled? Yes. Do I care? Nope, not at all. I did six rounds of 6 burpees and felt good about it. Meaning this was the first time in over two years that I felt good about a workout with burpees.

So basically twice in the past five days I’ve felt good about a crossfit performance. Who am I and what has happened to me? I will say, it’s a feeling I could get used to.

The Open is Coming

Another year, another Open is upon the athletes of crossfit-Land. Once again, perhaps against my better judgement, I’ve signed up.

This past year, I’ve watched all these women move well past me in terms of abilities and skills. And here I am stuck in the same spot (I’m not really, but it often seems that way). I jokingly call that “The Overachievers Club”. I’m mostly jealous of them. Why do I have to try to find time outside of class to learn pull-ups and double unders? These ladies did it in class!!

Ok, ok… it’s possible they worked at home on these skills too.

Today we did 17.5. (10 rounds of 9 thrusters and 35 singles/double unders). My coach didn’t let me do this one last year due to my nagging calf injury. And while I wouldn’t say I’m 100%, I’m about 95%, and did the scaled version today with no issues.

That workout has a 40 min time cap. And I went in there going (please beat the cap). Then I thought, please get under 20 min. Then it was, please under 15. I did it in 14:42. Since I didn’t have a baseline, I was actually happy with this number. I was even happier that I did all the jumping and didn’t hurt afterwards.

And …. then I looked at the whiteboard. I know! Don’t remind me. I’m not supposed to compare. And my very last post was all about how happy I was with my performance! Turns out, my time really wasn’t all that good, and I find myself in a funk because I know I could have pushed harder, but I also know I wanted to make sure I paced myself due to fear of re-injury.

I guess in the end, it doesn’t matter. My score is my score and I can work to improve my mental game next time.

Bring on the open.

What is happening to me?

I started off the new year on vacation, so I missed out on the new year’s WOD and the first few. I came back to my birthday WOD, which, while it wasn’t fast, I did Rx+ BOTH workouts, I believe I was the only woman to do so.

This week, we tested 50 calories for time on the Assault Bike. I took 41 seconds off my previous time. Not only was under 5 minutes, I did it in 4:09.

Today was Karen. Again, I took time off my score. My first time I did it in 10:50. The second time in 16:41. Today was 9:56. A near minute PR off my best time.

So I’m not at the bottom of the leaderboard for two workouts that I expected to be at the bottom. Okay, okay… I know we aren’t supposed to compare ourselves to everyone else, but why have a leaderboard if not for the friendly competition, and perhaps, push that comes from seeing what your fellow athletes are doing?

My point in all of this is.. I’M NOT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE LEADERBOARD! What is my life? Ok … it’s not like I’m at the top, but I never expected to match or beat some of the folks in my class, much less the other classes. These are women that I look up to. These are women who are really quite good!

So I ask again… what is happening to me? Who am I? Perhaps someone who is actually getting better at this? Or at least had a couple of good days. Whatever it is, I will take it!

My partner marathon row

Things have been so busy I’ve neglected to discuss something I’m actually quite proud of! The first weekend of December, my friend (and Rx contributor), Lynette and I did a partner marathon row, switching every 1000m.

This was probably the second hardest thing I’ve ever done (the Wooster Urban Adventure Challenge being the first). Mind you, I’m not a strong rower to begin with, and cardio isn’t my thing at all. But I felt this was something I could do, even if I did it slowly.

Three hours and eighteen minutes later we were done. About 30,000m in, I did NOT want to continue. That last 10,000m seemed so daunting. My hands were shredded, my times for 1000m we’re getting much slower and around 750m in that stitch in my side started showing up, making the last 250m of each set agony.

But we kept going because at that point, what else did we have to do? Also, one doesn’t quit when one is more than 3/4 of the way there.

I was unaware that Lynette also wanted to quit (I mean not really, but it crossed her mind too). So the fact that we both just kept getting on the rower and never said anything other Han encouraging words meant that we just kept going.

My hands still haven’t recovered, but we can say we did it. Something hard, something we weren’t told to do, something not part of a WOD, special weekend, fund-raiser, or Hero WOD. We did it for “fun”.

I don’t really have a desire to do it again, but I’m proud that I did it.

GoalZ: 2018

So these were my goalz for 2017

CrossFit goalz (there are so many, but I’m going to put just 4 into the world)…

  •      300 pound back squat
  •      Sub 2-min 500m row
  •      Rope climb
  •      Pull-ups

Eating/Nutrition goalz

  •      No more Diet Coke (ooooo…this one will hurt)
  •      No more alcohol (this was also the one constant this past year…this will also hurt)
  •      Hit my macros consistently (Sunday will be my biggest challenge)
  •      Cheat meals are occasional again

Personal/work goalz

  •      I’m on sabbatical this semester, so setting AND KEEPING a regular schedule
  •      Save enough for CrossFit Level 1 Certification (I don’t want to coach, I just need to know all the things…)
  •      Pay down the seemingly insurmountable debt that accrued from this past year
  •      Simplify my life, declutter, destress, live more purposefully
  •      Read more, Facebook less (yes, I know I said only four, but it’s my post and thus my rules)

And since Keri did one, I will too:

BIG, BOLD BODACIOUS GOAL – Find a way to reconnect with my family, my hubby in particular.

And….I basically didn’t hit any of these. I did get 285 pound back squat and I know as the weights get higher and higher, it’s harder to make jumps and also since crossfit doesn’t work on just strength, gains are slower than they might be if I did only strength training. But I don’t have a sub 2min 500m row, I still can’t to pullups or rope climbs. I’ve lost box jumps and my double unders are barely a thing.

My eating is better, except on weekends, when I tend to very much undereat. I still drink diet coke and alcohol…well…yet another constant in my life

I’ve paid off some debt, but taken on other. I have’t saved any money and my life is still cluttered.

However, I do feel I reconnected with my husband, so in the end none of that other stuff matters. I am simply going to put those 2017 goals in 2018 and keep moving slowly forward.

Here’s to 2018; it’s right around the corner.


Monthly Challenge

Every month our box does a challenge. Usually (in my opinion) it’s some unattainable number of something. 1000 push-ups, 1600 min of planking, 150 strict pull-ups. Ten billion double unders (jk … it just SEEMED like 10 billion). 

This month we are doing something slightly different. We are supposed to do 10-20 push-ups every day right when we get out of bed. 

Finally somethat that seems attainable! Not something that I will get 1/3 to 1/2 way through and feel bad about myself for not getting anywhere close to finishing the challenge. 

Get up. Ten push-ups. Got it.

I’m going with two caveats…

1. I’m going potty first. There is no way I could do even 1 without peeing. 

2. I’m doing them in the bathroom. My dogs do not understand people exercising on the floor and are prone to noming and humping. No thank you. 

So with those two caveats, I’m jumping into this challenge with both feet.