18.2 … or how crossfit humbled me yet again

Just last week I was discussing how good I felt about two different workouts. I was riding a crossfit high that doesn’t happen very often, except perhaps on back squat day. I even was proud of something with burpees!

And … then 18.2 was announced. Twelve minutes. Burpees, dumbbell squats and cleans. Dumbbell squats? Oh cool! Burpees? Yuck, but doable. Cleans? An opportunity to work on my form, right? So go me, something I can Rx! Assuming I can get through the burpees that is. I knew going in there was no point to scaling because it wasn’t going to be the dumbbell that was the issue.

Burpees are my nemesis (I have many crossfit nemeses, but burpees make the top of the list every time). I’m not fast, jumping over the bar will slow me down even more. I’m always worried I will trip over the bar, or hit my head on it, or my calf will hurt… or or or …

I did the workout Friday in class and managed 101 total reps. Nine shy of even getting to the cleans. I watched all these ladies in the box get through and get several cleans in. So what is wrong with me?

Pondered all weekend whether or not to go again. I’ve never repeated an Open workout because, let’s face it, I’m not and never will be a Games athlete so what does it matter? It mattered because I didn’t even finish the first workout, much less get to the second part.

Driving out of town gave me hours to think. And I basically decided I was going to do it again Monday (unless back squats were on the menu). I mentally prepped for, if not moving factor, then at least not stopping. I somehow needed to find two minutes. One would work, two would be better.

3-2-1 Go. I felt I was moving pretty well. My tests were a lot shorter, I was more efficient at getting the dumbbells to my shoulders and they were closer so I was wasting less time with them.

I’m not great at burpees, but I tried to keep moving, even though by round 7 I wanted to throw up. I also knew there was no way I was finishing at that point. I wasn’t moving fast enough. I picked up the squats, but couldn’t find the speed in the burpees.

I DID get 4 more burpees, so I did do better. But once again, I’m left feeling like a failure for not finishing, while all around me people are getting PR’s.

So I’m walking out beating myself up for not being faster, for not being stronger, for doing crossfit for 3 and a half years and still can’t do: toes to bar, pull-ups, box jumps, double unders, rope climbs, and the Olympic lifts. I know deep down I’m not a failure and I will get over this, but it’s frustrating.

My coaches are all about PMA. I get that attitude can make a difference, but I’m a realist, I know my limitations in terms of workout engine. I can be all “I can do a muscle up” all day long and it’s not going to happen as I don’t have the strength nor the coordination. Does that mean I cannot work on those things? No. But simply believing isn’t going to make that a reality.

So I will mentally beat myself up today. And tomorrow I will show up, and do my best at the workout the coaches have in mind for us, like I always do.

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