Strange Feelz

This time of year always has me feeling weird, but lately I’ve been feeling weird because several of the newer folks in the gym have told me they look up to me and enjoy watching me work; that I am an inspiration to them.

Part of me is really proud of this. After all, I’ve been doing this crossfit thing for two and a half years now, so HOPEFULLY I have some skills. Deep down inside though, I don’t really believe in my own abilities (see Lack of confidence), so the fact that someone looks up to these non-existent abilities is very strange. I just want to say, “You should really find a REAL crossfitter to admire”. I mean, look at me. I weigh basically what I weighed when I started, I’m not really any skinnier (I mean, I am, but I don’t think I look like it); my belly jelly rolls are all still very much in tact and I still can’t do: pull-ups, rope climbs, hand stand push-ups, toes-to-bar, pistols, and my double unders are barely there. So why are these folks admiring me? What in the world is there to admire?

Some positives. I DO show up consistently. I rarely miss a day; when I do miss a day, some work thing (usually travel) has gotten in the way. I’m really quite strong; I’m almost always tops in the box at the lifting part. If one compares me to other women my age, I am certainly up there in terms of strength. I have improved my performance in so many things, in so many ways!  I’ve NEVER had good cardio ability, even in high school and college athletics. I always played the positions that didn’t really require a lot of running (keeper in soccer, catcher in softball, bench warmer in basketball and shot-put in track), but I have gotten better.

Proof of performance increases. During the 2015 Crossfit Open, for the very last workout, 15.5 (27, 21, 15, 9: Calorie row and thrusters at 65) I did the Rx weight and it took me 22:38. The ENTIRE box was cheering me on. My coach even took video of this. I was mortified. It’s cool, but embarrassing to have the entire group cheering you on. I was barely able to pull 500 on the rower by the end and was doing my thrusters in groups of 1. We did this same workout this week and I did it in 14:02. So this is a HUGE improvement; I was very pleased with myself. There was evidence that although I’m not skinny, I’m getting better.

Yet I still don’t know how I feel about being looked up to. Like they should look up to folks who are faster, stronger, better. But maybe, just maybe, I’m worthy of this and have something to offer.

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